I think I got a lot accomplished today – in all categories of life. I considered that my brooding on holidays is a bit bratty. It can be pretty self-focused. Not grieving so much that there is pain in this world, but only grieving that it is happening to me. Only thinking about how I was hurt, instead of questioning how I can love like Him and executing on the answer. Viewing active love as an obligation instead of a privilege.
I was doing some writing and came to a place where I wanted to come up with the antonym for mercy – what was its greatest enemy in our culture. I thought on this and thought perhaps self-obsession was its greatest enemy. Then I looked it up in dictionary.com. It turns out mercy and selfishness are official antonyms. Interesting.
I was considering what my real issue is with my issues with my pastor. Honestly, I did not like most of the answers I contemplated. But after a series of “That is what you believe, really? really? really?”‘s, I did come across an interesting conclusion. One of the reasons I steer clear of him at this point is I am afraid he will turn out to be a farce, his walk won’t match his talk. That has happened to me before. What if he is just really good at his job?
Which is a really absurd idea on every level. And I know that on every single level except the one that controls my irrational responses. Even that level knows it is ridiculous. I have observed it is ridiculous.
I also realized some other things about the situation. I don’t think they are recordable here, but much of this all goes back to my previously held belief that men only will build you up to tear you down farther. I have come far enough that I do not believe I hold this belief anymore with most men. But I do still hold it with some men; I decided to face head on today the reason for this. I hate the reason; so when it came to me several weeks ago, I stomped it down and stomped it down and stomped it down. I said “no” a lot and claimed it was not true, but it is true. So today I decided to admit it was true at least to myself. I will likely be talking to my step study girls about it on Thursday. I reckon I will be talking to God a lot about it between now and then.
I have this mental picture of all this crap that has to be pulled out of my heart. It is like sticky, gooey taffy, and it has to be pulled and pulled and pulled to come out. Usually, when I pray about lies in my life, I have this mental picture of a tree being uprooted. Uprooted so much that all the roots come up with it. Even the baby ones.
Anyway, I am more sane than I was yesterday. “We came to a belief that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”
For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. – Philippians 2:13