Well, I woke up mad. I stayed mad for at least several hours. I figured I should get some of the anger out of me during my noon quiet time. It turns out I can fill more than a couple pages with reasons I am mad. (I know. I should focus on positive things like being thankful and not on being mad.) So I quit listing things I am mad at because there were too many of them, and I decided I must be projecting anyway.
At some point this afternoon I became quite cheerful and happy. I have had a few good hours, but now I am fighting old voices again. I am trying to figure out what I can do to refresh myself spiritually and mentally and emotionally. I have decided I must not be at all physically tired, since I wake up plenty early enough. I did book tickets for a five day vacation today. I am pretty excited about it. I am definitely looking forward to it.
Whatever I am processing right now I will be glad to be done with. I am quite tired of being too scared to let go, and let God. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever truly, truly forgive.
And this successful thing is still scary. Apparently the hardest thing in life is really just letting go of control. I believe it because I am tired of trying (so maybe someday I will do it).
Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. – John 15:4