Today I decided it was the beginning of a new week and it was going to be different than last week. After all, sometimes a new week just does that; it changes everything. It was exactly that way until about 3 o’clock. That is when I knew I was not an entirely different person than yesterday. I was only one day different. Apparently last Monday started something not intended to last only a week.
I am tired of having to fight panic while spending time with people in Christian leadership positions. I am tired of never predicting when I am going to be okay and when I am not. A wonderful woman told me a few days ago there was healing on the other side of this nightmare. It will be worth it. It better be.
It already is. Some days I just like to sulk and wallow. I have currently been banned from speaking in my own home until I can say something positive. I love my amazing roommate!
On the unwallowing side of things, I logically know I have come so far. I have changed so much. All the crappy emotions I am experiencing during this part of my journey make it really hard not to whine. At least I do not have a case of the quits combined with a case of the whines. That would be tragic. And I believed in Jesus all day today, and I talked with Him, and I spent even an hour writing just for Him. It was wonderful.
I am struggling with much more than what is written here. I think some time in the next six months I will have to face the greatest fear I currently have. The greatest fear I can imagine. It does not involve meeting my pastor or falling in love or wearing nail polish or feeling beautiful. Though all those things have taken and will take tremendous steps of faith for me.
One large step does not belittle the smaller ones or make them any less challenging for me to complete, but I am realizing as I write tonight I am projecting some of the fear of facing one challenge onto all the other challenges in my life. When I think of my large challenge and weigh it up against meeting with my pastor tomorrow night, the latter seems laughably trivial. But it is easier to think of the latter and be afraid of the latter than to ever think of the former or consider I will have to face the former.
Radical living calls for radical love and radical love calls for radical personal sacrifice. Radical personal sacrifice creates radical personal pain, temporarily.
I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, ‘You are my servant’; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. – Isaiah 41:9-10
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. – Isaiah 43:2