Oh God, I was having such a good life for like a week until this morning. I had that amazing “I can sleep two hours longer than I normally do for a week” feeling last night. That is as long as it lasted. This morning I woke up with a nightmare. I have been having some trouble with them recently. Usually, I can shake them off and forget about them by the end of the day (which is why you usually do not read about them.)
Then suddenly one morning I wake up, it all comes crashing down around me and I am not able to shake anything off. I am furious, guilty, frustrated and disappointed by where I am in my growth. I am bitter, anxious and angry, and I let God know about it. This morning I was in full-on meltdown mode.
The good thing was I had an open ended amount of God-time this morning because the day was set aside for freelance computer work which I could start whenever I wanted. I started with praying. Honestly I didn’t feel His presence all that much. I had already prayed through my morning routine. Prayed and sulked. I reckon He is always listening even when I do not “feel” Him; but I like to feel Him, it makes me feel better.
I pulled out one of my 20-ish journals and started writing down all the reasons I was angry on one side of the page and all the lies I was believing on the other side of the page. I was angry because I could not control the future, didn’t know what love was, had to be patient, always sabotage intimacy and always run emotionally in the moment. I added I was also angry because I currently was an unhoppy Easter bunny. I think I scowled instead of smiled when I wrote that. I am sure it was meant to break my mood.
The other side of the page is more painful to share. The lies: Loving me will never be worth the pain of loving me. There is no reason that is not selfish to invite someone into my pain. Fighting (spiritual warfare) does not help. Love is an open door for pain to enter (watched Frozen yesterday). The nightmares are my fault because I am not a good Christian, I do not have enough faith and I have not worked hard enough on recovery.
I suppose I still believe half those things. Just because I recognize them as lies does not make me instantly quit believing them.
So I moved on to my Bible reading plan. Job 38 came up, paraphrase “Did you make the heavens? Did you measure the foundations of the earth? Did you set the boundaries for the sea?” No, God, I did not; but I do have some general complaints about how You did.
So I moved on with my day and texted a few friends to ask for prayer because I was sensing a really long week and I had no idea how I was going to concentrate enough to work. When my time with God does not shake the mood, I know I am in trouble. (And I did try to bring Him my problems and draw near to Him. This post just does not make it sound like I cooperated much.)
Then one of my friends shared Psalm 91 with me. I actually got out my physical Bible to read it. I read it, and cried. (Now there are actually two reasons I do not like to cry in public. 1. I do not like to be vulnerable. 2. I look a mess.) So I made myself a mess. Honestly most of the time I read, I just repeated over and over, “God, it is not true.” There were plenty of other complaints, too. “I trusted You; look at the mess that has come by my tent. You do not keep the righteous from harm.” “You are not a friend of widows and orphans. If you were, why would you let what happens to children happen in this world. You do not care about them.”
Somewhere in all my yelling at God and complaining to people and myself about God, I lost steam. After a final rant, I ended up having a quiet day until about five this evening when anxiety about whether God would really take care of me began to creep in. Right now, I have peace. By the time I post this, it will probably be gone. I will probably have to fight for it before bed. If I said I knew it was all going to be okay, I would be lying. It doesn’t feel okay. I am terrified.
I just reread Psalm 91. It is beautiful, but I still do not know if I actually believe it is true. It has been a long day, and I have probably ruined any chance you ever had of believing I had great faith or any faith. Guess I will go for the grain-of-mustard-seed thing.
Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone— while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy? – Job 38:4-7