12:32 AM – Saturday
I am trying to honestly answer how my recovery was today. I am having some issues remembering. I am becoming more and more confused. I am not confused about what I feel God calling me toward. I am not confused about what I believe God is calling me to change this summer. I am not confused about my mission.
Maybe I am not as confused as I am uninformed. I am starting to ask questions. I do not know if I am asking intelligent questions, but I have made enough progress in thought and research to be able to know some of the things that I do not know. The result of asking questions is a ton of new information I have no idea how to process, which leads to more confusion. Confusion is good and a necessary part of the learning process. So I remind myself all day long.
I experienced a fair amount of anxiety this afternoon. It went away briefly, but came back during setup at CR to the point where people were asking me what was wrong. I was smiling with my lips, just not my eyes. I generally am not a fake person, but I like to be happy during setup and save all my crying and frustration for small group. We put on music, and we be happy to music (otherwise known as dancing). But even music didn’t help me tonight.
But being honest tonight about all the things I could has really helped. I feel better after getting real and answering questions in small group about being teachable. Tonight’s message was about Principle and Step 3. “We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.”
I have been thinking a lot about teachability these last few weeks. It is really important that I am highly teachable. Today I thought about the times in my life when I initially gave my life over to Christ and then recommitted my life to Him and began following Him daily and giving my will to Him. I wondered why I chose to be miserable for years before recommitting to Him. The first reason I thought of was I had to admit I was wrong in order to repent. I didn’t want to admit I was wrong. I ran and I ran and I ran until I could run no more before I admitted I was wrong. If I am going to be teachable, I am going to have to admit I am often wrong and be willing to be often confused. I will have to be cool with saying “I don’t know” and asking a lot of questions.
He who leans on, trust in, and is confident of his own mind and heart is a self-confident fool, but he who walks in skillful and godly wisdom shall be delivered. – Proverbs 28:26