Today was an interesting day. I struggled a lot with anger, but the anger felt different than the anger I had before. I don’t know how to explain it. It felt better than being afraid. I don’t think it is a good idea to decide whether things are good based on how I feel, but it did occur to me that I may be able to communicate better when mad than when afraid. Pretty twisted logic really.
I struggled a lot with sexual temptation today. I would say more than I have struggled in at least a year. It was weird. I have noticed I have started to dream about losing sobriety, so that I can get out of all the hard parts of my life. All I need to do is quit being sober, and it is all over. When I say dream, I don’t mean daydream. I have started to dream about it at night. It sucks. I am not quite sure what is going on, but I don’t like it much.
Tonight I am pretty cheerful. I don’t feel very mad. Every now and then I experience a flash of anger, but then it goes away. I feel like something will happen this weekend that will set me free again, but I don’t know when or how. Maybe it is all in my head. His plans are better than my plans.
Now to Him who is able to establish you in accordance with my gospel, the message I proclaim about Jesus Christ, in keeping with the revelation of the mystery hidden for long ages past, but now revealed and made known through the prophetic writings by the command of the eternal God, so that all the Gentiles might come to the obedience that comes from faith – to the only wise God be glory forever through Jesus Christ! Amen. Romans 16