For the last few days I have been frustrated I do not have much to say about my day. I feel like it is a sign I am not growing; yet I feel like the less I have to talk about the less pain is a part of my daily life. So having a quiet life is a good thing. I have never been much for living a quiet life. So the truth about yesterday…
I was super tired when I wrote the post last night and wanted to be sure I did not post anything I would regret. I figured I might add anything I wanted to say tonight. The truth is there were a few times during the meeting when terror started to rise in me, but I was able to remind myself of truth in the moment. That is a huge step of growth for me. The man across the table was not there to condemn, neither did he want to or even believe he had that right. In the past I have not often been able to counteract feelings in the moment, so I am celebrating a huge emotional/spiritual growth victory.
Because of the meeting, I have a lot to think about today. Sometime ago (before this blog started, I think), I had an ongoing conversation with God about what a reluctant servant I am. I spent years as an absolute miserable person running from what I felt God calling me to. I did not stop running until He told me if I ran this time, I would lose something I could never get back. Another two years of running and my life would be changed forever.
Now I am beginning to step into roles I knew I would be stepping into at least a year ago. I am pulling up my nose, even if I desire to serve the three people groups He has put on my heart. I am trying to be honest with myself at why I shrink back and reluctantly begin a journey about which even I know I should be wildly passionate and excited.
Part of it is the sacrifice it will cost me. One of the ministries has already cost me several relationships – albeit they were mostly superficial ones. Part of it is spiritual laziness. As I have begun to step forward, I have also felt God ask me to take some spiritual disciplines more seriously. It has been worth it. I know I should not term this area a sacrifice, but sometimes it seems like worship takes an incredible amount of dying to self. Isn’t that sacrifice?
Part of it is knowing there is no going back once I start. I would not trade the last year and a half of my journey for the world. Though I am not grateful for the mess that brought on the need for me to be so incredibly changed. I think in regard to this I worry I will be in far over my head and be unable to turn back and too scared to move forward.
I am afraid of responsibility. I am afraid of being excited. I am afraid of embracing the future and new roles and responsibilities. I have been well trained in the school of “you cannot be disappointed by what you didn’t hope for”.
I am afraid of change. A little afraid of the changes that are taking place on the outside of my life and very afraid of the changes that have to take place in my heart. It is not so much that I do not want a heart-change as I realize growth can be incredibly painful. Especially growth that requires getting rid of pride and dying to self. That is probably all growth.
Final thought for the night: I have realized that for the last seven years of my life, I have believed that feeling sorry for someone disables me from helping them and/or building a genuine relationship with them. I believe people hate being pitied. Pitying them gets in the way of real relationship and action. I have come to believe pitying is condescending. I do not know if I am right. I have been thinking about this over the last hour or so.
When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. So he began teaching them many things. – Mark 6:34