Another good day. I am continuing to process my anger, which involves some crying. I am able to cry alone again. I am glad. Not being able to cry when I was alone was annoying. I also had a perfectly delightful time laughing with a friend today. I have thought of many things and wonder if I am ready for some things. The good part is my new job keeps me from thinking too much.
God is reminding me that I can walk with confidence. I do not have to be afraid no matter what goes on in my life. I can follow His Spirit wherever it leads. It will only lead me in safety. My life has gotten quite out of my control at this point. I might as well roll with it.
In order to roll with it, I am going to have to let go of my anger. Last night I learned I am incredibly angry at God for where His Spirit has led me. I am not as angry as it is possible for me to be angry. I am not seeing red or anything, but I was really angry. I am doing my best to repent and release my anger. I am doing my best to acknowledge that God knows best.
I have struggled a lot to feel His Spirit in quiet time in the last several months. Maybe because I was mad at Him. I love where I am today. It is odd to be mad at Him about it. I just did not know my life was going to be so hard as I followed Him. My life was awful before knowing Him. I was miserable on the inside when I tried to agree with the world and Him at one time. Now I have peace, but I did not know it was going to be so hard. I have peace, but very little comfort.
Yet that is not true. I practically live in luxury, and I am about ready to buy a new, or at least another, computer. God always provides more than enough. There are loads of things that are awesome about God. This is just one of them. Now I am going to quit ignoring Him before I go to bed. It has been really hard for me to access my emotions as I fall asleep since having the whole episode with suicidal thoughts and all that after Easter. So now I just avoid doing anything that includes thinking at night. I have started to fall asleep to noise again. I did it first as a kindness to myself in all my pain, but I think it is about time to break the habit.
My God is for me.
For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death. – 2 Corinthians 7:10