I think I am learning some people are going to be mad at me. Some people are going to be mad at me for a very long time. I cannot change that. I wonder how I am supposed to be learn to deal with people being mad at me.
I am learning to be brave enough to not gossip even when it makes someone angry who wants to know information. Do not fold to anyone even my best friends. Now I need to get a step better at not listening to gossip. None.
I am not sure I am good at communicating either of these things politely though. I did say the last time one of them occurred that I thought it was in the best interest of the relationship that I don’t talk to anyone in Jersey about it except my counselor. I thought that was polite. Shouldn’t everyone understand that protecting friendships is important?
It is a bit odd for me to feel as supported and loved at the same time as I do in this part of my journey. For so much of my life when I made the right choices, all my core people in my life fought me. (Clearly I needed new core people, but I had too many trust issues to find them.)
For the first seven-ish years of being an adult, life was a battle. I had to fight for everything. Pure fear drove me to what success I had. The insecurity of needing to prove I was good enough. The fear of not succeeding and having to go back where I came from. I remember when I first started to lose being driven only by fear. I felt lost, and I didn’t know how I was going to accomplish things without fear to propel me.
I don’t remember the circumstances when it happened the first time that people who were a good core group around me supported me in a decision I was making, but I remember having a whole conversation with myself about maybe not making the decision after all because people were going to help me!
Now people are helping me. I feel loved. It is fun to be part of a family.
Now on to continue having tough conversations with God about some of the still broken relationships in my life. Sometimes I think I have forgiven people for the past, it is forgiving the current relationship that I struggle with. While I still live with deep emotional scars as a result of what happened to me decades ago, I truly believe I have come close to actual forgiveness for those things. It is forgiving for what continues today that makes it hard for me. How do we forgive and operate within a relationship where things keep happening over and over again? Does God ever call us to get completely out of some of these relationships? What does He want me to do in this relationship?
Like I told my small group last night, I need a few days set aside specifically to talk to Him about this. I need Him to change my heart. It is so emotional I cannot get myself to bring it up to Him on a short notice in the morning or evening in my quiet time because what if I am not put back together in time for work or bed?
Oh, God, help me just be willing to hear what You have to say! I do entirely want to trust You with all of my heart to serve You. I do want to be willing to serve You in the very hardest ways. I do want to give all my will to You. In Jesus’ name, Amen.