It occurred to me today I have some amends conversations to have. I have a few people I would be afraid to meet on the street. Interestingly enough it is from guilt not resentment. It is amazing how guilt seems to weigh me down as much as unforgiveness.
I always think it is weird when people think I am celebrating recovery. I do feel very much like I am celebrating recovery, but I think it is weird when people view me that way. Well, I think it is weird when people view me in a positive light for any reason. Okay, I may be celebrating recovery, but I still have a lot of conversations to have with God!
Why anyone would value me or my opinion is beyond me. Odd how such poor identity in Christ abides within someone who used to live off the “inward sneer”. That voice on the inside of me that constantly criticized everyone else. Actually after I wrote that down, it would seem obvious why they would be in one person. As a critical hypocrite, how could I have had a solid, healthy identity in Christ?
I crave learning to accept love. Someday I will. I haven’t always thought I would someday. I thought I was destined to be alone. But I am learning to be a part of a family. I cannot imagine there could be a better place on earth than where I am. It has been really hard to follow, but I am so thankful I made the decision to follow Him completely three-ish years ago. It has been a most painful road. At times absolutely awful, but there is tremendous fruit from following Him. It is so much less painful than trying to walk the line and push how to follow Him without actually following Him like I did for three-ish years before that. Now that is hell. Someone said to me once there is no one more miserable than a Christian under conviction. I have never been more miserable. More abused, yes. But not in a greater state of mental torture.
Yes, I am celebrating recovery because at some point I became too desperate not to follow. No, the ministry He has asked me to do is not what a legalistic Pharisee would have ordered, but it sure is rewarding. I will go wherever He leads.
So help me, God.
Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?” And I said, “Here am I. Send me!” – Isaiah 6:8