I accomplished so much with my day. Write 4,000 words. Check. Buy ice cream. Check. Go to counseling. Check. Read most of homework. Check. That is twice as many words as I needed to write for my daily average for my weekly goal. I love that I get to start this week flying high and ahead of my goal!
So I had counseling tonight. It was good. It is good to have someone to process all these things with. Someone I can share about all my experiences. Someone who can help me figure out what the root feelings are under my anger at being loved and accepted. It appears I am going to get to learn a whole new way of living now. As a team, her and I were more or less mystified by a few of my reactions. We sort of know some of it. I have no reference point for certain love and affirmation. It makes me feel angry and out of control of the situation. Not knowing what to expect makes me feel scared. I do not know what to expect in myself or others.
Somehow even if we do not know all the answers to Laura, I feel better. I feel like I am ready to take the next step, which is to go to bed. I decided I better make the next step going to bed because when I think of the next fear I need to face, I just want to run in fear.
Mainly we talked about my reactions and relationships with certain triggers. Basically, I have no reference point of men who give instead of take. When I think back now, the men who I did know who were like that I thought were weak. I thought they were weak for actually considering their wives. I thought of that last bit after I got off of Skype with her.
I have all sorts of things I can work on, but I think mainly what I have to work on is allowing God to continue healing my perception of what He created men and women to be. I get to be loved, and it is a whole new experience for me. There is a conspiracy in my spiritual family to love me. I do reckon I may have to learn to let them do just that.
I wrote my 4,000 words by 4 o’clock. Then I went and bought ice cream. Then I came home and made myself a bowl of ice cream. Then I proceeded to slowly eat my bowl of ice cream. I was so happy I was trembling. See? I can learn how to allow myself to be happy and loved. I just have to be willing to be uncertain and scared in the process.
He is, and there is no one like Him!!!
Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross. Therefore, God elevated him to the place of highest honor and gave him the name above all other names, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. – Philippians 2:6-11