I just had what I thought which I momentarily thought was brilliant. If we want to engage brokenness, then we should be okay with freely allowing others to see our brokenness. Not have to be perfect. Not have to be professional. We could be broken. We could invite other people into our brokenness. The leadership class I am taking is good for this conversation. If you want to lead, just let people see your brokenness and serve amongst them. Don’t lord it over them like the Gentiles do, just allow Jesus to change your character, let other people see the before and after, and invite them in on the journey. Something like that anyway.
Quite emotional day for me. I had counseling. I talked to my counselor about the sins I have not shared elsewhere yet. She understood. She asked me how thinking about them (or that person, I can remember her words) made me feel. Like I want to protect her. I want to protect the person I used to be. I want to shield her from the public eye. I do not want to be even a bigger “that girl”. Haven’t I been transparent enough? Would it really change anyone’s life to know that Jesus changes lives in unfathomable ways? Would it change anyone to know He can take a heart of stone and make it a heart of flesh. A heart that longs to care more deeply and love and live more like Jesus.
I shared with a close friend the other day that I am beginning to feel like “that girl” at my church. The girl with the problems. The girl whose life was radically changed because she was a categorical disaster. Which is technically true. I suppose my only hope of others ever seeing Jesus in me is to continue engaging my brokenness. Doing that by freely letting others see my brokenness. How will they believe He changes lives if I don’t tell them how He changed my life?
I was judged as “fragile” tonight in counseling. Maybe it would be a good idea to take some time off from the emotional hot topics in my life and spend an extra week talking to God about it. I don’t know. I am a bit of a fan of getting things done and over with, but then again if wisdom says otherwise….and it is the first time she has ever told me so…
“Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the LORD. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.” – Isaiah 1:18