I think my deepest dreams are the hardest to admit. I keep them tucked inside where I hope no one will discover them. If no one knows, no one will be able to laugh at me for even dreaming I could do such a thing.
I hate laughter. Have you ever reached out to someone in your deepest pain and been met with laughter? I have. I felt shame though I should have felt rage. Blinding rage. Maybe I did and tucked it inside, too; so no one could see it. So I could not feel it.
I often struggle with telling people what I actually want and like. Maybe for the same reason. I will tell you my second or third most important dream, but skirt the truth of what I really want.
But yesterday was different because I wrote an email that said I want. I want God to use me in this way. I want to fill this role. I would love to…. Last year, about this time, I was presented a similar opportunity. An opportunity to say “I want.” I did not. I received it, but I stepped into a role without ever having to say yes verbally. I was glad. I just had to pick up a pile of books. That was my commitment. I can carry books.
So I am celebrating today because someone other than my roommate is beginning to learn about some of the crazy things going on in this heart of mine. I am celebrating because I am very, very broken; but I am fixable. I am fixable because I have Maker.
How was my day? Well, let’s just say the children acted like children. I am really tired tonight. I never woke up with a nightmare, and I laughed a lot.
And yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, and you are the potter. We all are formed by your hand. – Isaiah 64:8