I am having a good day today. I woke up with a fairly pleasant dream. I talked to sweet Jesus. Had my normal morning anxiety. Walked the dog, walked the dog, walked the dog. I recommend dog walking as a profession. Very stress free. Then I worked awhile and ran a few errands, which included spending a bit over an hour in the church office. Perhaps oddly enough that is when my day took a turn for the much better. I think it all started when one of the workers greeted me from her car a block away. I have just been happy ever since. It is weird to be mostly happy in a church office. I was scared a little.
Step study was cancelled tonight due to unforeseeable circumstances. I had a very pleasant evening relaxing and watching TV. But thinking about step study made me think of forgiveness again. I wondered how I came to a place where I can almost imagine forgiving completely. I thought of two things that changed in the last year and a half of recovery that have helped me begin to absorb the loss. First, at some point, I quit focusing on what was taken from me in my past and started to focus on the life around me. I quit wishing what could not be returned to me would be returned to me. I quit focusing on people who did not demonstrate love for me and started focusing on the people who did demonstrate godly love for me. I began to accept God’s definition of me. I began to quit listening to all the voices of people who did not serve Him. I quit focusing on myself. I took some steps of faith.
Recently someone said to me, not necessarily kindly, “You just wanted that really, really badly.” about something God has been talking to me about for the last year and a half and I am seeing fulfilled. At first I was a little peeved the conversation I have been having with God was entirely discounted by the person I was talking to. Then I wondered if that is a part of faith? God begins to talk to me about something. A way I can be free or a way I can serve Him or a person I can love for Him. Then I begin to really want what He has placed in my heart. During the storms along the way when I don’t understand the why, the entire time when I cannot understand the how, during the times I wonder if I imagined His voice and call, I cling to the vision He gave me and keep taking baby steps of faith which if analyzed would not always appear to be leading me towards the fulfillment of His promise to me. Maybe really, really, really wanting something is a small part of faith. Maybe clinging to His promise and doing whatever He asks me to do along the way is really, really, really wanting something. And I really, really, really want to see the fulfillment of every vision God has given me if I lose everything else I have. Why would He have given it to me, if He would not have wanted me to fight for it? To give up everything else to obtain it?
Okay, that was way more than two things and a rabbit trail.
Oddly the conversation of forgiveness ties directly into my conversation about boundaries. Odd how as I forgive and offer my gaping wounds to God, I finally am able to put boundaries in place with the way people treat me.
Because of my current roles in ministry and the boundaries I am working on creating in other areas, I am also learning a lot about my people pleasing nature. I am learning that in all conversations where I feel threatened, am scared because of my triggers or merely have a differing opinion than the person with whom I am talking, it is crucially important I just choose to not answer for five or ten seconds while I process my dissenting opinion and gather bravery to make it. Silence is going to become my best friend if I want to have any success in confrontation or conversation.
The Kingdom of Heaven is like a treasure that a man discovered hidden in a field. In his excitement, he hid it again and sold everything he owned to get enough money to buy the field. Again, the Kingdom of Heaven is like a merchant on the lookout for choice pearls. When he discovered a pearl of great value, he sold everything he owned and bought it! – Matthew 13:44-46