I struggled a lot today. Until I snapped out of it at Celebrate Recovery in small group. It was just a really bizarre day. I asked for prayer in the morning because I was not doing well “psychologically”. But honestly, I just did not want to deal with myself or anyone around me. I am not even sure why. I was not in pain then like I am now. It was almost like I just wanted to be angry. Only I did not want to be angry at all. I could not process what I was feeling. That is for sure.
Now I am in pain. Definitely in pain. I am doing better, but I am listening to a message by Frances Chan. It is making me face my denial and inspiring physical pain in my being. It is probably because Frances is talking about how emotional pain can hurt so much that it feels physical. It is reminding me of all the pain I hold inside.
With strong determination and prayer, God helped me overcome and my day turn around for CR. Now I experience a much different type of frustration. I cannot help but wonder if I am crazy. I wonder it more often. I live my life a little like a lunatic. Some would say recklessly. I wonder if God is going to be a hero in my story. Sometimes I wonder if my story will end with Him dropping me. He has led me on a most amazing journey for the last several years.
Sometimes I wonder if He will disappoint me like people always do. If He also builds me up to break me down. Isn’t what I just said blasphemy? Yet I wonder. What if I am not following closely enough? What if I screw it all up, and He decides to not take care of me on account of my mistakes? What if the Bible really isn’t true? What if Jesus really did not promise to take care of me if I put Him first? What if I trust a lie?
Yet I know I do not. He is faithful. He has promised. I used to give myself a worst case scenario to think about when I wondered if the promises of God were true. My worst case scenario was pretty unlikely, yet I realized something through the exercise. In both the best case scenario and the worst case, one thing remained the same: the ending of the story. Both times I praise Jesus in heaven eternally. Does anything else really matter?
Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul? For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father’s glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what they have done. – Matthew 16:24-27