This is the oddest article because for the first time in this particular column, I am not sure what I want to say. Originally I thought I would call it “Unfollow: to whom else would I go?”. Then I had a few good days and thought I might call it, “Follow: because He is all I desire”. Confused I am torn between the two. Which is it? Do I really have a choice?
I told my counselor this week something down the order of “I did not choose this; it chose me.”
The theology of that statement is, of course, a bit off. The “this” in this particular instance in my existence has no brains of its own. The “this” is determined by the lack of control I actually have over my life, ministry, writing, family, friends, country, city, town, cock roaches. The most latter perhaps being the most controllable. Wretched beasts with whom I have no contact.
There are two conflicting realities in my life right now. Last week as I walked to one of my commitments my heart broke within me because I knew if I was not so deeply rooted in human relationship at this moment in my life, I would hit the unfollow button. This was a moment in time when I would walk away from Jesus and consciously choose to begin making bad decisions. I have had moments in my life where I have done this. It is easy to do when not rooted in relationships with people who love Him.
The other reality is all the alternatives to following Him seem like dead man’s bones to me. Worthless. He really is all I want – all I desire. To be really frank with you, it is perhaps only life here on earth I find undesirable.
When I think of my life two years ago and who I was on the inside, the thought of returning to that existence repulses me. I was so controlled by the sinful desires of my sinful nature. I lived in dreadful slavery to anything I thought a tolerably acceptable way to momentarily ease my pain. I lived in constant guilt and fear. Looking back reminds me going forward is so much easier. So much better.
The consequences of the last time I hit unfollow still follow me. After all, I would not be introducing myself anywhere with a struggle with sexual addiction and alcohol if I had not chosen to bring my pain to something other than Him the last time I hit unfollow.
These thoughts invariably make me wonder, “Do I really have a choice if my only viable option is to choose Him?”
This week on my birthday one of my friends said to me, “Laura, it is scary how much _________ controls you.” It was an odd thought for me to take in when put exactly like that. If this particular issue at one time controlled me at a ten on a scale of one to ten, then now it controls me at a .05. It was weird to have someone observe my current level of servitude to this fear was “scary”.
By the end of my birthday, God had given me two more revelations about things which controlled me. I went to sleep wondering if I would really give up all these things for Him. Would I be willing to give them up if He asked?
The next day God’s birthday presents continued. Someone used the term “idolatry” to describe the way I interacted with “all these things”. Had my greatest fears become idolatry in my life? Was I worshipping objects of which I was afraid? Wasn’t idolatry things I loved more than God? Could I worship a fear?
Control. I realized I had once again made it to step three of the twelve steps. It was time to start choosing God’s will for my life instead of my own. God does not want me to be controlled by fear of man. He wants me to be controlled by His Spirit.
Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders.
Do I really want to be led there? Would I rather choose God’s will for my life or my own? Will I be controlled by His Spirit and its always desirable characteristics (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control), or will I allow the objects of my fear to continue to control me?
When the storm rages around me, will I choose to stand on the Rock and allow its stability to encourage me? Or will I choose to be tossed and turned by the waves of doubt in the sea? Do I want to move forward with Him or do I want to stay stuck with me?
There is someone in my life right now who often seems to wonder if I am addicted to recovery instead of my other substances. Maybe. Maybe I am, but if anything is going to control me, would it not be best for it to be His Spirit? Would it not be best for it to be a pursuit of the God of the universe? If I cannot live without something, is not it best that it be Him?
What controls you? Are you able to control what controls you?