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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

X time

A much better day than yesterday! Partly because my computer and blog are running smoothly since I dehacked them. Partly because I took a fair amount of time today to rest. I worked 8-10 hours, but the rest of the time I rested. I never wrote today, so it was really an emotional sabbath.

I have been thinking a lot about denial lately because our large group is about to restart the 12 steps. I thought of a new obvious sign someone has stepped out of denial. It is this: When reading the Bible and reading things Jesus says like “Take all that you have and give it to the poor, and follow me”, “Whoever looks at a woman and lusts after her has committed adultery in his heart,” and “whoever marries a divorced woman causes her to commit adultery” and other hard things He says, instead of responding by explaining why it doesn’t apply in my situation, I simply agree with God’s standard of righteousness and admit I fall short. Agreeing with God’s standard of righteousness is a good thing.

I have started to fill out my inventory worksheet. For those of you who have never been through this, this is basically taking answers to questions that we have already answered in our homework over the last few weeks, and then expanding on them. For example, for most people the questions only prompted me to journal about the person and cause of my anger or resentment. When I fill out the worksheet, we add the effect of the wrong against us and the damage to our basic instincts the wrong created. We also record our part in this.

Through this process I am learning I am a pretty petty person. Quite to very petty. Some of the people I harbor anger and resentment for, I can tell you the event that caused it, but I cannot explain one thing that it actually did to hurt me in my life other than prompt me either to forgive or harbor resentment. Maybe I just think in too big of terms because of the big causes or resentment I have from people who really abused me, so other things seem really trivial. I don’t know. In any case, I am definitely petty.

It was also cool because some of the things I was upset about have already resolved themselves by the other person growing and changing and no longer doing what was hurting me. It is easier to forgive now!

I once again faced the realization that I have got to get back to x time. If I don’t, my life will implode. Deciding on an accountability partner. Ugh.

Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me. – John 15:4

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