I had a sick day for half of today. I don’t know whether it helped or not. No x time. I went without my evening portion of it. I am so exhausted. The question from before my breakdown is back, “What am I doing wrong?” Well, I used to say, “What’s wrong with me?” So I guess something has changed in the last few weeks.
I get to teach the Powerless lesson on Sunday. Well, one thing is for certain. I am definitely powerless. I don’t think I should be running into the ground anymore, except I still am. I know I am exhausted physically, but I don’t get the rest of me. I had about an hour bout with intense fear this afternoon. Of the irrational ilk. I prayed my way out of that one as I cleaned and cooked. I listened to “Worth it all” on repeat. That song has a calming effect on me.
My counselor says I have relentless perseverance. Today I told myself I needed some of that several times today. It takes being relentlessly persevering to have relentless perseverance I decided. Maybe I have to start studying Paul’s life again. I love his life. His narrow focus on God that had him singing hymns while in the stocks.
The question has become, “Do I believe God and will I follow Him wherever He leads no matter how irrational the path may seem?” If I could live one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, like the serenity prayer says, I would have peace. It is always when I worry about tomorrow that I do not trust God. If I actually believed what the Bible says, I would live so differently. For one, I would give away the rest of my savings. What if I do?
My God, the God of this universe, the One, the only One who rules and reigns, the One who knows the hearts of man inside out, the One owns the cattle on a thousand hills, the One who needs nothing and if He did, would not ask me, that God says to me:
“Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be….So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of Godd above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” – Matthew 6:19-21, 31-34
Will I believe Him? Or will I believe myself? Myself is selfish. She has a narrow point of view. She cannot see much of how this world actually works. She often makes mistakes. She seldom knows what she is talking about. She has been wrong countless times. Her perception is skewed. She is wounded. She does not own any cows or hills. Her most valuable possession is the computer she is typing on. It has been giving her dying signs for years. I think I should listen to the Creator. What if I actually kept a narrow focus on Him? I will keep my gaze focused on Him. I will look not to the right or left, knowing He will never call me to walk down a path He will not accompany me on.
Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” – Matthew 28:18-20