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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Will I die

I am so tired. If you are on this site tonight and notice it sort of has a new design, I know. Something in the coding is off right now, but I am going to go to bed and hope it is in my browser’s stubborn caching not in my website’s CSS. Maybe it will just be better when I wake up.

Today was a pretty good day. I am adjusting to the new lifestyle. There are moments throughout my day when I feel genuinely happy and joyful. Yes, the pain is inside me, but there is also joy somewhere in there. I had good time with God in the afternoon yesterday. Today I did not. I simply got too caught up working. Then I had to be somewhere, so bang went more than five minutes in the Word. On the upside, I was wise enough to spend that time with Him.

We finished the lesson where we keep the step 10 daily inventory. While I journal every night here, I do not generally keep another more specific unanonymous journal outside of this. I kept one for a week last August/September in my last step study. Life has changed so much since then. It was hard to see trends in this journal because of all the counseling changes. I may be living with some weird facade, but I seem to have just finally started living.

Tonight I am thinking about how hard this journey really is. How much I need people around me to love me, but also how much people around me need love. All of them. If I can only bear the pain of growing here, may my God use me here. May He use me to change whichever part of the world He chooses. May He give me the strength to love all indiscriminately.

Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. This is my command: Love each other. – John 15:13-17

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