I am one of those people with a dreaded quiet time with God every morning and every night. Dreaded because, well, I dread it. Recently I have begun to do so. I barely know how it became this way. It started about three months ago when I came off a spiritual high and began to stress over maintaining amazing time with God. I backed off completely and decided to relax, cut myself some slack to relieve the pressure, read some Scripture and then move on with my day. The issue is I read some Scripture and move on with my day.
For some time I have wondered why, but I am almost sure I know. I am scared of time with Him. I am afraid of being vulnerable. I am definitely afraid of being vulnerable at the beginning of my day. I would like to be put together in an hour when I get to work, God. This is not a good time for us to have a conversation. I will read this, I will even read a lot of it; but then I have to go. I’ll talk to You some other time.
I wonder if I have always been scared of God and have only just noticed it? These days in the spontaneous moments when I actually talk to Him throughout my day, I have a tendency to do a couple things. I put my head in my hands and cry, I jump up and down and raise my hand/s, I clap as I give Him some praise, or I cry. (Yes, I am usually alone when I talk to Him!)
It is this crying business that is getting to me. I do not want to cry. Not really. Somewhere along the line this recovery business has turned this tough girl into a weepy mess. I cried when I listened to Andy Stanley tell a story about some homeless person today. What is happening to me?
I used to love my planned God time before this whole crying bit. It was so comforting. It is still comforting somewhere amidst all the emotion. It just seems as if there is something down in the bottom of my heart that just needs to get out. I think it is pain. I do not know. It is something. It comes to the top and overflows so easily these days.
I wonder when I will allow myself to really feel in my heart around people? That does not happen much – at least not with anyone over the age of 10. It is most likely to happen with babies. Someday, the walls will come tumbling down.
Allowing myself to feel vulnerable with God and babies is progress, but I keep tending to put the walls back up even with God. Part of my heeling process right now is to grieve everything that sexual abuse as a child took away from me. To bring it to God in my God time and talk to Him about it. Walking through the emotion is hard and scary, and that is why I am scared of my time with Him. Now I will go spend some time with Him.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. – Isaiah 43:2
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