Oh, I am exhausted! What a Christmas Eve! I cried a lot. I am still here. I quit a lot. I am having a bit of a struggle right now because everyone wants to encourage me in my faith, but my faith is not the problem. I fully believe God can carry out every promise He has promised me. I even believe He has promised the promises. I believe He is faithful. I just don’t know if I want to bear the pain of following Him. I weary of the journey. I weary of the price.
I had a long talk with a friend today. One of those people who keeps pointing out the only option other than following Jesus is death. You can go anywhere else, but it will always produce the same thing. And I wept because I wanted to go anywhere else. Bitterness, anger and disillusionment consumed me much of the day and still do. Yeah, I know God can; but what if I won’t? Why should I always be expected to be the one who does? What if I don’t?
It has been a long haul. I believe enough, I suppose. I am angry enough, I suppose. I am a bit tired of being Jonah. The story of my spiritual walk has most often been able to be summed up in the story of Jonah. God asks me to do something. I say no and run away. The storms hit. I get thrown over board. I’m in the belly of the whale. I end up on shore, smelling like vomit. I finally listen to God. God works through me. I bitch.
I have been tempted a lot lately to hit unfollow again. People seem to think I do this for my glory. If I was going to do something for my glory, it wouldn’t be any of this. And I also wouldn’t have beans and rice as a main staple in my diet. Now I shall cease the whining.
I am tired of being Jonah. I want to move on. The CR study Bible points out that Jonah never made it past step 5. He decided to quit. He confessed his sin to God, himself and others; but he quit before allowing God to change His character. Frankly, I am just throwing a tantrum. Bitter and angry. Annoyed. God can have His mission. I will take boredom, a secure income, health insurance, a nice home and new clothes.
But what I will actually do is spend a couple more days having a pity party and then move on with my life. That must be what I am going to do, but today I was often sure there was no option of continuing. Adios my friends, maybe I will follow, but maybe I won’t.
I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. – John 15:5
Comments