I am in a really weird mood right now. I am not sure if I am okay or not. I just totally got interrupted for about an hour and a half or actually two or three hours, but now I am ready for bed.
I I am really frustrated right now. Impatient with myself. Honestly,to put it really honestly, I don’t want to need to spend so much time with God, I don’t want to need Him so much and I want to be independent. I think tonight I am frustrated by the side of me that is constantly counting the costs of all my decisions. Some people could call that wisdom. I don’t feel like I live in the moment always though. Why can’t I ever just decide to do stupid stuff and pay for the consequences the next morning? But no, I have a picture in my mind of what the slippery slope looks like, and I am always aware when I get even close to hitting a guardrail. Some people could call it legalism. I think of it as life as an ex-addict. Frankly, I think it sucks. At the same time, my life is a million times better than when I used to make those kind of decisions. If there is one thing I could do with the rest of my life, it would be to depend on God completely. That inner being part of me that delights in God’s law loves the idea of total surrender to Him. The old nature hates that idea. It keeps trying to survive.
It it was a great day at the orphanage. Now if I can just manage to keep emotional sobriety the rest of the trip and not slip into a vicious cycle of mental ridiculousness…
“For in my inner being I delight in God’s law, but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord.” – Romans 7