Two months ago I told one of my pastors the next six months were going to be really hard. Whoa! but was I naive! I do not even understand where I am right now or the person I am. It is like I am this hamster in a wheel. The wheel has started moving, but I am not used to my wheel moving. It is even going all kinds of places I have dreamed of going, but I cannot control where it goes because I am in the wheel just running with God. God seems to be sort of directing this rat race.
On Monday, I decided I was going to tell my leader I was going to quit this whole recovery business. It was just way too hard. Tonight (on Friday) I am more committed than ever. I am not committed because I am really enjoying myself. I am more committed because I cannot go back. I cannot turn to the side because I am afraid if I jump out of my hamster wheel, I am going to kill myself. I keep running, hoping this valley of the shadow of death will pass also.
Who is this person? I am so different than a week ago. In some odd way tonight I feel like I have nothing to lose. I have already lost everything I wanted in life on this journey with Christ. Does that mean I will gain my own soul? (Mark 8:36)
Most of today, I was not ready to scream from the mountain tops that my breakthrough from Wednesday was carrying into the rest of my week. However, tonight, as I consider small group and my day and my life and my pain on the inside that seems to be inhabiting my entire being in this moment, I do want to keep going. I do not want to quit. I have some super amazing people around me, going through this with me. I want to go through it with them. Maybe there is another side. Maybe this is the rest of my life. Either way, it will be worth it if one person sings praises to sweet Jesus in heaven forever because I was a part of their story.
“Then he [the King] said to his slaves, ‘The wedding is ready, but those who were invited were not worthy. Go therefore to the main highways, and as many as you find there, invite to the wedding feast.'” Those slaves went out into the streets and gathered together all they found, both evil and good; and the wedding hall was filled with dinner guests. – Matthew 22:8-10
They [the saints] triumphed over him [the devil] by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death. – Revelations 12:11
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