He took this heart of stone and made it a heart of flesh. In yesterday’s conversation with God so much anger, bitterness and rage came pouring out of me, it scared me. I expressed it quite well and was slightly afraid the twins would wake from their naps though they were two rooms away. I also was quite thankful I didn’t have to see myself having my meltdown.
It will be nice when I get this next layer of filth out of me and start living in a new layer of health. When I start expressing emotions and dissent early in a relationship instead of letting the anger build. I wish I could say I got it all out of my system. I didn’t. I was still emotionally and spiritually exhausted this morning. Throughout the day my strength grew some.
Tonight I am tired of the battle. I am tired of this whole sanctification process. As I ate my dinner, I wondered why God didn’t have us reach perfection on earth. Think of how amazing it would be to love perfectly. To not hurt anyone ever again. To be able to give of ourselves so completely that when others hurt us, we would not only not protect ourselves from being hurt again, but we would not lash back. We would live like our Savior lived – a life of vulnerable love.
For a very long time (like the last three years), I have followed Jesus because I had lost everything else. Only this past Sunday, I confessed to some fellow disciples I have nothing to live for. I have lost everything.
The truth is I have lost everything for Jesus at least twice in my life. Everything to what I could understand everything to be at the time. But as much as I have had nothing to live for for years, I think I accidentally picked some things up along the way. I think over the course of the last year, I have started to live for a few things. It is because of these things that bitterness and anger have crept into my heart on this topic. At least I understand now and can redirect my focus to Him, asking Him to help me lose everything again one more time for Him. To whom else would I go? He has the words of eternal life.
Many of his disciples said, “This is very hard to understand. How can anyone accept it?”
Jesus was aware that his disciples were complaining, so he said to them, “Does this offend you? Then what will you think if you see the Son of Man ascend to heaven again? The Spirit alone gives eternal life. Human effort accomplishes nothing. And the very words I have spoken to you are spirit and life. But some of you do not believe me.” (For Jesus knew from the beginning which ones didn’t believe, and he knew who would betray him.) Then he said, “That is why I said that people can’t come to me unless the Father gives them to me.”
At this point many of his disciples turned away and deserted him. Then Jesus turned to the Twelve and asked, “Are you also going to leave?”
Simon Peter replied, “Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words that give eternal life. We believe, and we know you are the Holy One of God.” – John 6:60-69