I am having some trouble remembering this morning. I know it was tough. I sent a text to my step study friends asking them for prayer because I really did not want to move out of my bed for the rest of my existence and ever see any of my triggers ever again. It quite felt like my world was closing in on me.
That is being a bit melodramatic because the logical side of me is much more logical than that. The only thing worse than doing hard things is not doing hard things. Besides I love my triggers who live in the greater NJ area and would be really heart broken to never see them again – even when I am scared.
Yesterday I faced new levels of transparency. I think this morning’s reactions were merely trying to protect myself from the vulnerability of last night. Sometimes I have nothing to protect myself from, I just try anyway.
Sometimes I am vulnerable because I am valiantly trying to love someone or help someone. This morning I was vulnerable to protect myself. I would have had too much anxiety this coming week if I would not have been vulnerable. It is interesting for me to think of vulnerability as a way to protect myself. But I suppose if I know the person loves me, then letting them know something about me that will help them love me actually protects me. Now I have made this all about myself, haven’t I?
Tomorrow I go to a wedding. Tomorrow I am going to wear a short skirt without tights, leggings or stockings. Tomorrow I am not going to freak out. Well, I probably will, but I will try to pretend like I am not.
I painted my nails the darkest shade of anything I have ever painted them this afternoon. I did it with a friend. It was a lovely two hours. I think we talked more than we painted. It was lovely. Very lovely. Then I went to a party that was very lovely. The day started off rocky, but ended really well.
I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead. – Philippians 3:10-11
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