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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Understanding


I am beginning to adjust to my new life. My weekly routine is awesome. And somewhere between those sentences and this one I took a break from writing and now I feel guilty. Not about the break from writing this post, but about my life. Ugh, someday I am going to believe I am allowed to be happy. That when I have a day and weekend this good, I can keep celebrating all week long. I can hear Joyce Meyer’s voice in my head right now, going, “What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with me?”

I don’t have that so much these days or even these last few years, but I feel like that tonight. What’s wrong with me that I feel guilty for being happy and connected. I am not a fan of guilt. I don’t like feeling it. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Yup, I know my life is messed up, but it is getting so much better.

The last few weeks in step study I have been going through step 3. There is one question about “In the past how have you leaned on your own understanding?” It has been the theme of me thinking about the difference between pre-rock bottom and today, and pre-salvation and today. Not leaning on my own understanding has changed my life. I tried so hard for so many years to fix and control my own problems. I still do it with some things, but the things I do it with are at least small compared to my sexuality and relationships.

I think because I am starting counseling in some really tough areas I am thinking about this more. It is so different to be working through this with God and counseling than it was when I was trying to fix it myself.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. – Proverbs 3:5-6

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