Today I woke up full of doubt. I had a little bit of anxiety, too. Probably because I had fun last night. Remember I told you a few nights ago I struggle with feeling guilty when I have fun for no reason? It is fun to have fun for no reason though. Lots and lots of fun. For much of the day I vacillated between having great faith and great doubt.
I was very angry for a lot of the morning at God. It felt like He had abandoned me. I do not like it when it feels like He abandons me. It seems ridiculous to not have a plan for my life, let alone my summer. I know I am doing what He asked me to do, but will He seriously take care of me??? Sometimes I think it would be nice if He took care of me in conventional ways, but then I have never been a very conventional person. Maybe He is simply meeting me where I am at.
I felt much better after writing today. I had a lot of fun babysitting tonight. I am getting a lot more energy. Denial drains a lot of energy from a person. Dealing with reality does not. Odd how much I run from the former some days.
I started to feel better towards the end of reading Acts. It was my book to read for this Saturday. Paul always has a way of cheering me up. His goodbye to the Ephesians cheered me up immensely. Something about how hard Paul’s life was cheers me up about mine. It makes me feel like someone has gone before and understands my agony. It inspires me because he faced bigger obstacles than I. I love how he says he wept. It made me feel better about wanting to weep instead of believe this morning.
Something I have noticed from reading books straight through in one sitting is the ending always strikes me different than in the past when I read chapter by chapter. Acts ends really weird. Just my opinion.
So be on your guard! Remember that for three years I never stopped warning each of you night and day with tears. Now I commit you to God and to the word of his grace, which can build you up and give you an inheritance among all those who are sanctified. I have not coveted anyone’s silver or gold or clothing. You yourselves know that these hands of mine have supplied my own needs and the needs of my companions. In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ ” – Acts 20:31-35
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