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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Unbelief: the dumbest decision I have ever made (and I repeat it every day)

I woke up an hour before my alarm this morning and realized I am clinically insane. I then proceeded to laugh about it because that is what insane people do. They are happy crazy. Yes, my friends, if the definition of insanity was “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results each time”, I would be an absolute lunatic, in dire need of institutionalization.

Several hours later, the ridiculousness of my life still has me scratching my head. Literally. What in heaven’s name am I doing? And why??

The events of my morning just so happen to fit ridiculously well into this week’s blog, which was titled about a week ago. It took me over an hour of realizing how “insane” I am to even notice the connection. Then I couldn’t help but think it highly appropriate and conveniently coincidental.

Because I do the same thing with unbelief. I have never benefitted from unbelief – at least not from unbelief in God. Yet, I consistently choose it and sometimes even consciously so.

As I sit here pondering, I am realizing I have put an enormous amount of work into being miserable. Throughout the course of my life, a tremendous amount of effort has gone into sowing seeds of destruction so I can reap them later. The harvest always sucks, but the planting was so much fun that I keep doing it again and again and again.

And as I think about this, I realize the effort of planting seeds of destruction in my life is extremely minimal. It is what I naturally seem to do. It takes zero effort for me to wake up in the morning and be bitter. On the other hand, it takes a tremendous amount of effort to choose something else.

Oddly enough while being bitter may take less effort than being joyful, I think it takes more energy to be bitter than it takes to be joyful. Hmmm.

This seeming oxymoron has me wondering why I would believe God when He says He has made me a new person. If I am a new person, then why isn’t it hard to act like the old person and easy to act like the new one? Shouldn’t the new creation be much more powerful than the old? And if it is, then why does life remain a battle? Why doesn’t the old nature completely die as my new nature kills it? Why does its final death await the death of my physical body?

Paul said to consider the old man dead. Dead like Jesus on the cross. (Romans 6) But where is the evidence in my life that the old man is dead?

Have you noticed my article about daily unbelief isn’t very full of faith?

But isn’t that the heart of the matter? My whole point is to say unbelief is the dumbest thing I keep doing. The only thing I have ever gained from it is sorrow, but I keep doing it anyway!

Thankfully, there is evidence the old me is dead. I don’t wonder how much I should try to get away with anymore before I will get hurt or God will smack me. I know that is a really, really bad idea.

I can’t fathom partaking in any of the practices of the lifestyle I lived five years ago. It isn’t really me. It isn’t who I am. The crazy part is I used to think that is who I was.

I am taking this Bible study of Romans. It has me realizing I don’t just think of my present all wrong. I think of my past all wrong.

It has been really freeing to realize that is not who I was. Back then I was generally pretty confused about my identity. I thought that is who I was. Worse than that, I believed pretty much every lie someone had ever told me about me.

But that is not who I was – even if that is who I acted like. When I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior eleven years ago, I became someone new. Different. Unlike the old.

It has been really changing my worldview to realize I am not slowly becoming a better person. All that sin, all that destruction is not who I am. At my core, in the new heart He gave me, I want what He wants; and I want it with all my heart.

I have learned God is love because all His commands are love. I have learned His commands are love by beginning to follow His commands. And all those screw-ups along the way? I know they are not who I am. That’s not me. That is not what characterizes who I am. I am righteous – righteous, just like God.

Are you? What do you keep doing over and over again while expecting different results each time? Do you know if you believe in Jesus that that is not who you are?

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