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Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Trying to keep my eye on the prize

The fun part about CR is one gets to continually face tough realities. Better facing a tough reality than living in an illusion. Undoubtedly, true – and painful. Last night after finishing blogging, I spoke with a friend on the phone. I told her a story or two from my past throughout the course of the call. I was reminded what perhaps my biggest issue in my current conversation with God about my financial situation is: I have become my own definition of an idiot.

Now in theory I no longer think I, or people like me, are idiots. But four short years ago, I thought people making similar choices to what I am making now were stupid. Clueless. Live life and live it for yourself! I am not sure if I really thought so or if I just wanted to think so because I knew what I felt God wanted me to do with my life and I didn’t want to listen to Him until I was old.

Either way, this war in me over my competence, my income and my lifestyle is very much because a part of my flesh still thinks following Jesus is foolishness. A part of my flesh still thinks pursuing the American dream would be fulfilling. Not very much of me thinks so, but a part of me apparently does.

I have nearly emotionally fallen apart in the last four hours. I am having a very bad evening. After getting home from the homeless shelter, I took out an ink pen and wrote down all the things bothering me. All the things bothering me are things I cannot control or am afraid of.

I am also still continuing the conversation with God that I had put off for months. I will tell you this: it is about forgiveness.

Looking at my list of nerves, made me realize a small amount of my real problem. As much as last night I realized I had become my own definition of an idiot, tonight I realized the question is still “Why me?”

Why would God ask me to be in this position in this time and place? I am so unable. My resume is full of running away. I am really prone to messing up. I am not even enough for a small part of my life right now. Put it all together, and it is a huge, overwhelming task only God can complete. This concept really should help me be able to relax. All I literally can be is a tool to be used. I can pray, and I can follow. That’s all.

What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they do not; those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away. – I Corinthians 7:29-31

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