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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Trying to feel

Daylight Savings Time just hit me about ten minutes ago. I am exhausted. Today was quite good. I had one or two angry thoughts, but that is all they were – thoughts. Not something I meditated on or even believed. I once again tried to unlock my emotions regarding the events I spoke of last night. Really the early Monday morning did not put me in the mood during any of my quiet times to talk to God about it. I did for a little while, and I did something I don’t, at least consciously, almost ever do. I bargained with God, sort of.

I asked Him to just do this one miraculously. I have been through so much in recovery. I have done so much hard work quitting and recovering and facing reality. I have cried so many tears. I have persevered so long. Can’t He cure this emotional wound miraculously? I said something like, “Daddy, if I have developed enough empathy for others by having to recover the hard way, can you do this one miraculously?” There didn’t seem to be an answer.

Yesterday I functioned so well by just putting those events in a box when I was at church and thought of them. I pretended they never got out of the room and place they occurred in. But you know they did. They have followed me for the last 20-25 years. They have devastated my life. They have ruined so many things. I still feel quite numb over them. My heart just has a weird ache as I write. That is all. No tears. Just numbness, and a little fear about when the damn will break and the numbness is replaced with bitter weeping. Just hoping it is in the privacy of my home or my counselor’s office.

I kind of think the pain will feel unbearable. I don’t resent my current life. I love the people who surround me. I don’t mind the current place I am at. I am beginning to love the journey more and more each day. I want to ask whether His grace will be enough if I have a breakdown where I don’t want to have one. I believe it will be, and I believe I actually believe that, but I am afraid of what the pain will feel like when I face what needs to be faced. This must be where He is going to carry me.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. – 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

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