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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Trying not to fear

I am super stressed out tonight because I am happy, excited and scared all at one time. Two of my jobs are changing; two of my ministry roles are changing; two of my friends are getting married and leaving. Somehow my life seems very certain and uncertain all at one time.

This morning’s message at church was about the parable of the sower. One of the questions was: What kind of soil are you? a footpath, rocky, weedy or fruitful.

I think I am becoming rocky. My roots are not as deeply rooted in Christ as they could be. As I sat in church I wondered if I was getting rocks below the surface. I wondered if I was starting to shift my trust from Jesus to CR and serving.

I am still struggling to prioritize quality time with God. My quiet time has me nodding with weariness instead of agreement as I read Scripture. My evening quiet time is often cut short by being too tired to concentrate, so I wonder, “What is the use?”. I go to bed instead.

I am going to have to re-prioritize my time, so I am not sacrificing quality time to be refreshed by God. I feel like un-quality time with God is almost draining instead of refreshing. Instead of “Here I am to worship”, it is “Here I am to try not to fall asleep.” Something has to change in my schedule; I am not sure what.

I was reflecting on stepping out of denial this afternoon and my own experience with this step. For a long time, I lived in fear that “If they knew…, they would never let me serve, lead, attend, etc.” Then one Friday night, I sat in the office and confessed to my leader all the issues I was currently fighting and hiding. They were secret sins: porn, lust and secret drinking. No one would have ever had to know; but I would not have started to heal if I had not told her.

I had been afraid for so long that if the leadership at my church knew, I would be entirely rejected. The exact opposite is what happened. That is when God started to use me. That is when I became useful. It was the biggest step in breaking free from the hold the secrets had on me.

Tonight I am struggling to believe God knows what He is doing in my life. The changes seem too big. It seems impossible for me to become the person I need to become in the next few months. I need to trust Him instead of criticize His plan for my growth. Right now it is a whole lot easier to wonder what He was thinking.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11

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