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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae


The longer I am a Christian, the more I think living life with Jesus is about cleansing my heart of all its impurities. I used to know that in my head as a doctrine. Now I experience it in my life, so today I wept. I wept a lot. Tears of surrender and agony at the price of following Him. This morning it was agony and surrender. This evening I wept with pain. Sometimes I wonder if I will always have pain on this earth. Will it ever go away?

I finished the second draft of my novel today. That is definitely worth celebrating. I did sort of drown in emotion. Even the tears of agony and surrender this morning felt a bit like I was drowning. I sobbed because I did not want to be this broken. I did not want to be more broken than anyone else I knew. I did not want to do anything but serve Him, I just did not know it was going to be so hard. Any chance I could still just set up chairs?

Then this evening the old bitterness came back. I became too tired to forgive, I guess. I distracted myself from the pain piercing my heart until I had time to cry it out with God. Then I wept. Daddy, it hurts. It is hard to remember You love me when it hurts like this.

Now I am peaceful again. I do believe I will try not to tap into the painful emotion still tucked into my heart. Maybe I will cry it out in counseling next week. I have been thinking about this verse yesterday and today. It is a promise.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33


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