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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae


27 May 2017

I am really struggling with some things today. Well, really compared to Thursday. Today is Saturday. Compared to Wednesday, I am doing great; and compared to a year ago, I am phenomenal. I am realizing that I often operate in fear and act like a crazy person to my closest friends, mentors and God because I still don’t find myself secure in my position in Him. Well, I am not sure if that is what I actually mean to say. I am not sure of my security within His family. Re-realizing a few weeks ago that His Spirit is entirely stuck inside me and believers, unbelievers and wild horses cannot pull it out has really helped me once again rest in my security in Him. When I came to Jersey, I was so secure in this knowledge of my relationship with Him because I had recently been through a very hot fire of purification. I knew Jesus would be with me wherever I went, and I was content resting in this knowledge. I didn’t connect well with people and tried to fill the people-sized hole in my heart with addiction. Somehow in the last few years people began to mean more to me and became a vital part of my life. In this process, I began to be afraid of losing people even if in my imaginary scenarios I knew God was calling me away from them. I began to live in fear of separation from my real, my spiritual family. I attempted to control the situation, so that I could get away from both my intense fear of deeper relationship and commitment and my fear of losing the people who had become so dear to me. Re-realizing that God will always be with me and that we are inseparable is really grounding me. God will always have a use for me. Man may not, but God will. It has really helped to also recently realize that I also will never be separated from my spiritual family. Levels of intimacy and connection with certain people may vary throughout my physical life; but in my eternal life, I will be forever connected with them. This is very helpful to me as well. God asks me to exist in community. This is what will build my character. There may be times when He calls me into the wilderness alone to be tempted by the devil, but it will be for a season not for eternity. This also will be to test my faith and refine me like fire.

As I write this, I wonder why you are reading it. What’s the appeal? What draws you here to read my thoughts?

Today I realized that I never want to love myself, my comfort or my opinion more than I love God. His Word says that if I love Him I will obey Him. I want only to follow forever.

The other day I realized that in heaven it will finally not be about me. My inner being longs for the day when my flesh won’t be consumed with itself. I long for the day when there will be no temptation to do anything except worship Him.

I am sitting in an airport in Mexico right now. On my way to visit my family in Mexico. Life is really awesome. May I become consumed with Him.

“When the Son of Man comes in His glory and all the angels with Him, He will sit on His glorious throne. All the nations will be gathered before Him, and He will separate one people from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats.” Matthew 25


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