top of page
  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Touched

Many times at the end of a busy day when I ask myself how I have changed or “recovered” that day, I am too tired to remember some of the changes that are occurring in my life slowly. Some changes can be thought of and noticed on a daily basis, but some happen so gradually that I do not notice them except to look back over the course of several weeks. I thought I would talk about a couple of them this afternoon.

God has really been working in me in the area of physical touch. I am not sure why. I do not mean I thought I was unbroken. I am unsure as to why since I do not know what initiated this change in me. I was not praying for it. I did not know how broken it was because all I had experienced thus far was brokenness.

Other than the masturbation fast, I do not know of anything that would have facilitated this. I would like to think it is the fast because it has been used to facilitate so many changes in me. I would like to think God is using it to free me in this area also. But maybe my wanting this to be an effect of the fast is merely me wanting to have something to do with the change and not have it all be about Him. Or maybe this change merely illustrates the entire point of the fast was to allow God to work in an area of my life in which I was entirely unable to help myself.

A few weeks ago, someone hugged me. I get hugged a lot. It is part of the culture here. I was raised in a very unhugging culture. In fact when I was a child and extended family would visit, they would greet us with hugs. I both dreaded and longed for this experience. I generally grew as stiff as a board and spent the entire hug actively trying to pull away. As an adult moving about the country, I have learned to tolerate the hugs. I have learned to not pull away, mostly. I think I had finally come to a point where only the more observant people in the room would notice I am not comfortable with being touched. I have always somewhat wondered why people do this somewhat weird ritual.

But a few weeks ago, someone hugged me. I felt something. It was not sexual. It was not fear. It was not discomfort. A brother hugged me, and I felt something warm. Something nice. I am starting to feel the physical aspect of hugging. The way I interact with the babies I babysit is changing, too. Now as they wake up from their nap, before I change them and feed them, I spend some time just holding them close to my heart. Just feeling them and loving them through a hug. For no reason, not because they are crying and need comfort. Just to love them. My sisters have even gotten weirder. Recently I have gotten kisses on the cheek. It is weird. Not bad. Weird.

But something even stranger happened about ten-ish days ago, I initiated touch. Not on purpose. It was an entire accident. No one could have been more surprised than myself. Indeed, I keep forgetting that it will likely happen. Then I do it. As I do it, I realize I am doing it. Sometimes I pull back. Sometimes I look at my hand and wonder what possessed me and how it got over there to touch the other person. Sometimes it startles me to the point of requiring me to have the rest of the conversation be awkward for me.

And as I wrote this, I realized it is an effect of the fast because this all started happening after I began to take really good care of my skin. Not like idol-worship care of it, but keeping it healthy and comfortable instead of in dry, itchy, I-never-think-about-you condition.

When I prayed for God to heal my hands six weeks ago, I experienced something different. My hands became very warm as I prayed. When I looked down, they looked different to me. I do not think they actually changed in appearance, but my perception of them changed.

Since then, I have begun to take good care of my skin. It has started to feel wonderful and soft and warm and happy. I had started to experience touch more in other ways before the physical touch thing happened. I wonder how broken my senses still are and how much more I will experience as I heal and how much more I will ultimately experience in heaven.

Oh, I have been praying for this. I just did not realize it. I was praying that God would help me lean into intimacy when people reach out to me and be vulnerable. It just did not occur to me that this would be answered in a way that included this. I meant someday when I have a husband God should heal me of this. I didn’t expect Him to help me lean in now. I had included physically in my prayers, but I was mostly focused on the emotional, mental, intellectual aspect. hmmm

And how was today? Today I learned, and noticed what I have learned. I also noticed that my heart is turning from liking to serve behind the scenes to liking to be noticed. I am becoming less of a servant. Another conversation that has to be had with God.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. – John 10:10 NIV

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. – John 10:10 ESV

Comments


bottom of page