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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Too proud

I am too happy to go to sleep, but I really need sleep. I hate it when that happens. I have been getting too tired to have good God time. I really hate it when that happens. The homeless shelter always makes it that way. I love serving there. It is one of my favorite parts of my week. Even when it was super cold out this winter, I couldn’t talk myself out of going. The people there are really incredible.

I wrote over 3,800 words today. I am now over 65,000. I am hoping to finish my rough first draft at 75,000. Then add about 10,000 words of descriptions to people and places. Towards the end, I started to leave quite a bit of that out. I woke up in an incredible mood this morning. I kept trying to remind myself I was supposed to be getting sad because the part of the book I was about to write was sad, so I wanted to be in the mood for it. I wrote for five hours. I listened to George Strait for five hours in an attempt to get sad. See, I am from country music land. I quit listening to it years ago though because it was too sad and annoyed me. Generally, one George Strait song and I am so sad I need to turn it off. Today it took me four hours and forty-five minutes to get sad. Then I spent the rest of the day trying to get happy again! The homeless shelter was the key there. Well, and how incredibly warm it was outside. I have forgotten what summer feels like.

I am on the forgiveness lesson in the step study I am going through. We talk about three “types” of forgiveness. Forgiving yourself, accepting God’s forgiveness and forgiving others. One of the things they have you do is answer, which one is hardest and why and which one is easiest and why. Super hard. I think I find it hardest because I think I have a hard time forgiving myself, BUT I think it is pride that causes me shame and embarrassment about my mistakes. It is not sorrow for my sin. It is not that I do not have sorrow for my sin. Just the things I have not forgiven myself for are very hard on my pride.

All this makes me wonder if I have accepted God’s forgiveness and truly understand it. Can I accept His forgiveness for sins I am too proud to admit or forgive myself for? I think I need to humble myself first. I think I am too proud to accept forgiveness for certain things. Odd, why would I choose shame and guilt instead.

Another question is “What do you still have shame and guilt over?” I was surprised at how many things I could think of. I suppose I could stand going through the 12 steps at least 12 more times. Then the foolishness just might be weeded out of my heart.

I think steps 8 and 9 are always incredibly freeing. They are something often looked against. But if you take the other 7 steps first, they come quite naturally and pay off big time.

It just occurred to me. If I refuse to forgive myself for something God is willing to forgive, do I think my standards are better than God’s? Or am I simply dissing Jesus’ sacrifice? Do I think Christ’s death was not enough for me because I am greater than Him?

Now to all a good night.

“If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.” – Matthew 6:14-15

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