I am extremely tired and have PMS, which means it would probably be best for me to just say nothing at all tonight. I am not sure I am battling anything today. I may be willingly succumbing to every temptation there is, except actual addictions. I don’t succumb to those because then I would lose my role as a leader in the recovery ministry. It is never a healthy thing when the leader is sober because she has no other option.
Today I would unfollow Jesus if there was an alternative to following Him that would give life, but there is none. I feel trapped into a life I don’t want, but cannot live without. I am tired, angry and morbid.
Today someone sent me a song. One of the questions it asked was something like, “Do you want what I want?” What if I don’t want what God wants? What if I am not humble enough to die enough to live a life that pleases Him? What if everything on this earth is just morbid weariness? What if the only thing that keeps me here is curiosity about how this all could turn out? What if it turns out it all sucks? It doesn’t actually get better until death parts us. What if all I do is live another annoying 60 years? Well, I am only 31 now; but you get my drift.
See? I told you I was cranky tonight. I am off to bed. I am getting up ridiculously early tomorrow morning.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11