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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

To live is pain

My heart hurts right now. Compared to the rest of the week, my day was rough. I hate it when I am in enough emotional pain that it feels physical. This pain I think comes from pride. I should get the guts to say I was wrong, but I do not want those guts. I am sure I do not need to learn how to love myself before I love others. I must merely give up my pride to love others. I love myself. I know because that is why I am so ridiculously proud. I want to protect myself.

I hate the pain I am experiencing right now. I think I hate it because there may be only one way to release it. Cry. Cry in front of someone I do not want to be weak in front of. I wonder if all this pain is because I am believing a lie. I have been struggling with believing lies last night and today. This pain feels like it is telling the truth, but I do not think my pain is based on truth. I think it is based on lies. I do not know how to explain that. Can pain be created by our own beliefs about a circumstance and not the circumstance? My logic says definitely when I write the question like that. But I do not think that is what I meant to say then. I don’t want to feel this pain. I don’t want to have anyone not care.

I am realizing right now that my greatest pain comes when I believe someone I love does not care for me. They do not love me or appreciate me. They do not enjoy me or respect me. God must go through excruciating pain as He interacts with this world. Because most of it does not love or appreciate Him, and He loves all of it. His love is perfect. It must hurt a lot to see others reject Him. Even if His value is not in whether they love Him. Their love does not make Him greater.

I am realizing that is one of my problems tonight. I think it would make me greater if certain people loved me. Earlier in quiet time I realized I was experiencing excruciating pain because one of my idols had disappointed me. I never intend to worship idols. It just sort of happens sometimes.

In all this I think I need a reality check because the pain I am experiencing is a phantom pain. The cause of my pain does not actually exist. I have created it – unless I am experiencing it via projection. I do not understand all these things, but I know I cried with God tonight asking Him to please show me how to release it.

Then I recognized how much my pride is at the root of all my pain. I do not want to have been weak. I do not want to be weak. I hate that the whole world has seen my weakness for the last thirty years. I hate that they will continue to see it. I am proud. I need to release my pride. I need to become exceedingly humble and embrace my powerlessness, so I can find hope in God alone. How it hurts me to think of such a thing! What incredible healing I would experience if only I could do it!

Pride goes before destruction, and haughtiness before a fall. – Proverbs 16:18

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