If I was going to tell you everything that happened today, it would take me 15,000 words not 500. I am like a broken watch. The people around me and myself can see I am broken because my hands are not moving; but only the Watchmaker Himself knows the gears that are broken and how to fix them.
I have told you in the past how four-ish years ago, I thought I was destined to a life of complete loneliness and isolation because I would never be able to let anyone into my heart. I would never be able to be in a real relationship (and at this point you know I am not talking about just romantic ones). Sometimes those feelings still haunt me though on an entirely different level.
In a room full of people who I intellectually know all at least care about me I can feel entirely alone. I can wonder if I will ever let any of them actually ever know me. I can wonder if any of them would actually want to know me. And I do wonder. I am broken inside, and I know it.
I think the biggest actual thing I struggle with in my life is fear. It leads to isolation. It leads to my frustration. It leads to my issues with contempt or what I like to call my inward sneer. I did not have to deal so much with my inward sneer until lately. I am back to it again. Not as badly, but still that dreaded enemy returned today. Trying to make myself right and others wrong.
What I need is a miracle. People like me need miracles. There is no other cure. Maybe the miracle will come slowly as we trust Christ more and more, but we need miracles. My life needs a miracle. There is no way I might be able to make this on my own.
I did not know Jesus as my Lord and Savior until I was 20 years old, but I have always believed in miracles. When I was a little girl, I couldn’t see. I was legally blind with correction. I used to kneel at the side of my bed at night and beg God to work a miracle and let me be able to see just like everyone else when I woke up in the morning. Each morning when I awoke, I still couldn’t see. But eventually, they made me a bit of a scientific guinea pig, and now I can see because He is and there is no one like Him. That story always makes me cry. I was blind, and now I see. Physically and spiritually. He is and there is no one like Him.
I do not understand people who after years of helping others become thankful for the abuse they suffered because it has helped them help others. I do not understand that because the abuse was sin. I do not understand it at all. But I do understand being thankful for pain because I am thankful I was blind. I think I always have been. Whereas I was once blind, now I see.
God worked in my life long before I knew Him. He even worked miracles in my life. My faith made me whole. Some days I forget my God has power. He has been faithful for 30 years, not 10. He is, and there is none like Him. I know the kingdom of heaven has come to earth through Jesus. But I also know I am super excited to know Him fully someday. Not because I want to escape where I am, but because I want to know Him fully. Like a bride might wait for her wedding day not to escape her singleness but to know her husband fully.
Okay, a bit of escapism. I just went and had a good cry, telling God all about how I wanted to see Him someday. Someday I will never feel alone again. Someday I will not be broken. Some people may call it escapism. I call it a holy longing. How can I not be tired of being too broken to experience love? I am so tired of being alone. How can I not long for the day when I never will be again? I know He lives in me, but someday the brokenness within me that prevents me from knowing Him will be gone. Someday I will no longer be a “believer who struggles with…”. I will be perfect. Perfectly whole. I do not mind being here, and I would not want to skip it. But I cannot wait until I am there!
For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. – I Corinthians 13:12
I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; – Philippians 1:20-23
I declare to you, brothers and sisters, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed— in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”
“Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?” The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. – I Corinthians 15:50-58