I am tired tonight. Tired and confused. I have been trying to give God control all day. I have been getting better at it. I notice when I remember to take step one, my day is a whole lot calmer. It is good to have a real authentic relationship with God. One with lots of real conversation. It might even involve wrestling and arguing like Jacob’s did. Mine certainly does. But peace comes in the surrender.
At some point I just want to surrender. I am so tired of me thinking I know better than God. I am so tired of trying to summon the energy to keep fighting. Frankly I have no idea why I do it. I am glad I am getting some practice stepping off the throne of my life. I am so tired of me running my life. Maybe at some point I will actually surrender. I hope it is sooner rather than later.
Why when I know I am wrong do I keep fighting God? That is the part of the fight I find so wearing. One of my major fights with God has lasted almost two and a half years now. Another that I keep taking up on some level is over a decade old. One would think I would have the common sense to let go and let God at some point. Over the last few weeks I keep realizing how little I have actually given Him. He has earned my trust in every way He possibly can. Why can’t I just let go?
The day had its ups and downs. I entirely lost track of X time. As I prepared my evening bowl of ice cream, I asked God to forgive me for missing it if I did not actually spend as much time with God as generally keeps me sane today and going into tomorrow. That is when I realized I should really apologize to myself. I am the hurting Him when I do not stay focused on Him, but I am hurting myself a whole lot more!
Anyways, my life is good. Now here is to accepting the things I cannot change…
The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love. – Galatians 5:6
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