Today was a day in which I felt like there could never be any hope for me ever to recover past certain things and in which I also felt more like there was hope than there has ever been. I feel really disconnected right now. Fragmented might be the right word. Nothing is computing. I feel like I am torturing myself with my life and not obeying God. I have done what I can to fight Him. Soon and very soon I will listen!
I cried tonight by myself. I was a little relieved. I was not sure I could cry by myself anymore. I just came home and begged God to help me do it. What I am feeling needs to be expressed with tears. I am certain of it.
I want to celebrate that I am processing pain in a healthier way mentally than I did a few months back. I have been processing a lot of pain over the last week, but have not been thinking about knives. That is a huge celebration! I have said, “God, just let me come home.” or the equivalent of that, but not in the same way of longing to end it all myself or relieve it myself. If I love Jesus, should not I want to go see Him?
I did manage to edit ten pages of my novel today. That is huge for me right now. I am having a hard time keeping it together emotionally. Somehow as I said earlier I am doing both good and bad. I do not understand it. I just want to grow past this because this is awful! I wonder if I accepting my brokenness would help me in a situation like this, but today it did not feel like the problem was pride. It felt like nothing was connecting. A little bit like I was in pieces. I stabilized a few times and the rest of the time was just weird. But hey, I am moving forward!
But now, this is what the Lord says—he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel, “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; – Isaiah 43:1-3
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