I had peace all day, but a quite tough evening. Honestly, I would just opt out of the rest of my life on earth if I could. I don’t get Paul’s “to live is Christ”. To live is PAIN. What was he thinking? Most of the day, it was “to live is Christ”.
Today as I was studying Matthew, I read about the blazing furnace where the weeds will be thrown at the end of this age. In this furnace, there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. I thought of another furnace in Scripture. The one the three friends of Daniel got put in. It must have been a pretty rough experience for them – EXCEPT there wasn’t weeping and gnashing of teeth in that furnace. There was a fourth person who looked like the Son of God. They came out unscathed, and even their clothes did not smell like smoke. According to God, that is the kind of furnace I am in right now. I can feel the heat. I wonder if they felt the heat even if they came out unscathed. Was it still an uncomfortable experience?
I am trying to reconcile my emotions and figure out how to handle life right now. For the first time in my life, I am not looking forward to the future. This is pretty literal for me. I have always looked at the future as a place that had more hope than today. It was a place of healing. I thought of it as a place God could do the impossible. I knew I needed a lot of impossible healing in me. 2016 taught me that the future can also carry unbearable pain. I can’t fathom 2017 will not have more pain than 2016 had, and that is a heart-shattering amount.
Each day I will be faced with a choice: will I follow Jesus, or will I let the pain convince me that the temporary escape of this world is a better fix? Oh, I hope at the end of this year, I have not given up!!!
Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Matthew 10
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