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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

There is Pain in the Offering

Wow! I had the conversation! It was time. I knew it was time. We talked for an hour, and then I cried for two. I cried better than I have ever cried before. I cried without trying to stop myself from crying. I have always tried to stop myself from crying.

Honesty is tough, really tough; but it is worth it. I feel like an entirely new person. When I am not babysitting, I do freelance computer work and writing. After the exhaustion of all the emotions, I decided to take the rest of the day off. I took a hot bath and watched fairy tales the rest of the afternoon on Hulu. Hey, there is a time and a purpose for Snow White no matter how old you are!

I had known this conversation was coming sometime in the near future for the last few months. It feels good to have it behind me. The oddest part of it all is how easy and hard it was at the same time. The emotions I released were incredibly strong, but I was calmer during the entire call than I can ever imagine myself being during a tough conversation. I could think the entire time. I even had presence of mind to pray as the other person talked! I chalk it up to all the people I asked to pray for me. God is after all an answerer of prayer.

For the first time in my life, I feel like the past is entirely a part of my past and I can look forward now. I can step into whatever roles He calls me to. I cannot believe I waited so many years to have this talk, but then I am not sure it could have happened at an earlier moment in my life.

I am not naive. I know the past will still show up in different areas of my life. I will have to consciously choose to trust people who hold certain roles in my life. I will have to focus on God as I step into relationships. I will have to be aware of how lies from the past affect me today. But the past is the past. I am no longer dragging it with me because I am living in denial or trying to please people instead of God.

I am not naive. I know I will try to please people in my future as I stumble and forget that God is my judge not any man. When I catch myself, I will repent and turn to God for His forgiveness and love.

My God is truly a God of the impossible. He proved it to me today. I wonder what He will ask me to step out of denial about next? What else am I lying to myself and others about?

Search me, O God, and know my heart;test me and know my anxious thoughts.Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life. – Psalm 139:23-24


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