I don’t want to talk about it. That is all I want to write in this post. I am having a really crappy evening. Part of it is my own fault. Part of it is just having all kinds of emotions swirling around in my heart. Unrest more than anxiety. Insecure. I currently am up in the air on what my living situation is going to look like in a few months. Not having a place to live and call home really eats me quickly.
I have only been semi-homeless twice. Okay, once I probably was homeless. One probably cannot logically call a hostel a home. It is a stretch. But both times, it was more because I was willful and prideful than that I had absolutely no money and everyone on the face of the earth had rejected me and I had no money to buy their acceptance. Okay, so I did not really have much money. I did have a lot of pride though.
I really, really, really hate being homeless or feeling homeless.
I promised to share my testimony in a few weeks about how God has become my provider. He has. I feel a bit ungrateful for feeling insecure tonight. Sometimes that is how one learns God is a provider – by having Him take care of them when they are prideful, stubborn, willful and homeless. I don’t suppose I felt like it so much at the time. I did the first time. Not so much the second. But then, I was three times as prideful, willful, stubborn and homeless the second time.
I hate being homeless. I really, really, really hate being homeless. I hope being homeless is not in God’s plans for me. All I want is to have a home and a place to invite people who do not have a home into. Well, actually I want way more than that. I want to be a part of His magnificent plan. I want to be the most useful part I can be. I want to give and receive love. In the end, I want to end up at heaven’s door having given every single last red cent for Jesus. I won’t have because I don’t even live everyday for Jesus, but I sure wish I might.
Well, everything except I would like a home. It doesn’t have to be big. It could be very, very small. I could sleep on the floor. I can live from a box. As long as I have a little place to call my own.
Then a teacher of the law came to him and said, “Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go.” Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.” – Matthew 8:19-20
Do not let your heart be troubled; believe in God, believe also in Me. In My Father’s house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you. If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself, that where I am, there you may be also. And you know the way where I am going. – Jesus in John 14:1-4
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