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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

The things I cannot change

Well, I am resting tonight. I wanted to go to dinner group, but it seems unreasonable to expect me to do anything but sleep at 8 pm tonight. This cold is dreadful. I seem to have only cold symptoms and not anything related to bronchitis yet, so I haven’t gone to a doctor but goodness, this is awful.

I am hoping this time as our large group goes over step two, to get a much better grasp on the “that I matter to Him” part of principle two. I feel like I struggle to focus on the positive in recovery. During step four, we did a few “What has brought you joy?” versus “What do you fear?” for the five column inventory worksheet. I struggle with that. The question is so easy to answer if I just use the last two and a half years of my life. I can name tons (literally) of people from here who have brought me much joy! If I try to force the question onto the years before I was saved, I struggle. I just did not have joy. Must I really try to be positive about it? It seems like a form of denial to me, so I struggle.

I want to “earnestly believe…that I matter to Him”. I think I do, but sometimes I wonder. It seems to me I would be a happier more joyful person if I believed God thinks I am worth dying for. I do not think my response should be a self-obsessed “Wow! Look who I am in Christ!? Aren’t I something?” I think it should be more awe. The realization, a daily realization, should bring me daily to my knees in humility. That the Creator and Controller of the universe values a relationship with me to the point of dying for me should only inspire one thing in me: absolute allegiance to Him, a faith in Him that helps me single-heartedly follow Him, a focus on Him that looks neither to the right or to the left but only to Him. (That is three things but I am trying to describe only one thing.) a life lived in absolute surrender to Him.

Talking of dying, I stood in front of the mirror today and cried. Oddly though I have never been one of the little girls who dreams for hours of my wedding day, my future wedding was part of what I cried about. “God, I am going to be gray in my wedding. I am going to be ooooold! I wanted to be young and pure on my wedding, not old and gray.”

Yes, you guessed it. I have finally stepped out of denial about the condition of my head. Turning thirty had almost no trauma involved compared to the gray hair thing. I heard myself say, “But I don’t want to be old.” Then something comforted me. The older I am, the closer I am to going home. It honestly was a huge comfort. I still don’t want to have gray hair when I am thirty, but at least I am getting older. I don’t want to be twenty again. I don’t want to be farther away from seeing Him. Someday it is going to be time to go home. I am so thankful I get to serve Him here first and experience love here, but I will go home with joy.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

“Look, I am coming soon! My reward is with me, and I will give to each person according to what they have done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.

“Blessed are those who wash their robes, that they may have the right to the tree of life and may go through the gates into the city. Outside are the dogs, those who practice magic arts, the sexually immoral, the murderers, the idolaters and everyone who loves and practices falsehood.

“I, Jesus, have sent my angel to give youa this testimony for the churches. I am the Root and the Offspring of David, and the bright Morning Star.”

The Spirit and the bride say, “Come!” And let the one who hears say, “Come!” Let the one who is thirsty come; and let the one who wishes take the free gift of the water of life. – Revelations 22:12-17

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