I am somehow sad, happy and thankful all at once. Today was an amazing day. Tonight I wonder why God has asked me to do the things He has asked me to do. I am not qualified. I am going to make a lot of mistakes along the way. Sometimes they will hurt people, and it will be my fault. Sometimes the people will hurt me, and it will be their fault. So many times we will not know whose fault it is except the nature of humans to hurt one another.
I saw a quote by Christine Caine on Twitter a little bit ago. “Your ongoing pain has less to do with what someone has done to you and more to do with what you won’t do. Healing comes by YOU forgiving.” Yeah, that is why we do steps 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9.
Sometimes I don’t want to be a leader. I want to serve Him completely. I want to be burnt up for Him. I want to give Him my everything. I want to know when I leave this world that I gave my everything to Him. I will have no regrets if I can live consumed by Him. I will make mistakes. I will have to forgive people. They will need to forgive me. But I want to live with a really narrow focus. What if I lived just for Him?
Sometimes I would like to go live somewhere in the woods and never see another human being, but then I couldn’t serve Him. Because I cannot serve Him without serving people. Today I experienced Him loving me. I took a few hours this afternoon to just have a sabbath. A break before I go into a busy stretch for 10 days before slowing down for the holidays.
I have been having a conversation with God about the unique role He has asked me to be in. As someone who is attracted to both men and women and is a follower of Jesus, I have an uncomfortable role to fill. He is starting to have me talk more about it. I am slowly, very slowly letting people who do not follow in the same way I do know about this. Okay, like one person knows, but there are others that will know soon.
I don’t mind being attracted to both sexes. I don’t mind knowing if it wasn’t for my Jesus, I would be in a relationship with a woman (because it is so much easier than overcoming my trust issues with men). I don’t mind following Jesus even if that means I am single and abstinent for the next 60 years. But the social/political/religious position my story puts me in is a bit awkward.
God, you are asking me to get so close to you that all this conflict pales next to your glory? So close that all temptation loses its power. So close that you mediate every relationship in my life. So close that you truly are my shield. Do you know who I am? Do you know what I have done? Do you know how I act? Do you know how scared I am? Do you know how much I dislike conflict? Do you know me?
In the past, He has told me when I ask such questions, “You are looking at the wrong person. Look at me.” Tonight I hear His invitation, “Come, and get to know me.” It is not about the fruit of my labor. It is not about what I will do for Him. He could do it so much more efficiently without me. It’s about the journey, and He invites me on it. Over the next 50 years of my life, I only ask that I may get to know Him.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. – Matthew 5:10-12