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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

That girl

I have had a good day. I am absolutely sure of it. I cannot remember much of it, but I must have had a good day. I did have a great, big, huge revelation about my suicidalness earlier this week. The revelation was today. The thoughts were earlier this week. It came through talking with a friend.

See I did not have the thoughts because of a self-esteem problem. I did not have the thoughts because I did not know who I was in Christ. I did not have the thoughts because I did not understand I was His precious child. In fact, I never even had the thoughts because I was not feeling the love of God. As I sat along the skyline, I felt His love surround – as I was thinking about knives. As I thought about how nice it would be if there was just no more pain.

That is why I have the thoughts. I want the pain to end. I want it to quit now. The devastating effects of sin and brokenness in my life follow me on and on and on and on. On that dismal Sunday evening I thought of a parody to the song about God’s love going on and on and on and on. I don’t remember all of it. I just remember it was about pain overwhelming and devastating my soul. His love is greater, and it is victorious. But in my life I feel like experiencing His love also makes me feel pain. The overwhelming pain of my broken past keeps rearing its ugly head. At least now I believe women love me.

I did go to a party tonight. During which I talked entirely too much. The good part is I did not have too many drinks. Zero as a matter of fact. The further away from my alcohol I get, the less I care about it. It was on my mind tonight what a wretched past I have. I might have repeated the lament one too many times in conversation.

I feel like I am a few short months away from becoming like one of the old guys in the church I attended before coming to this one. His memory was getting a bit sketchy. I never was quite sure he remembered my last answer, but you could not come near him on a Sunday morning without him asking what your conversation with God was about the previous week. What did you learn? That was ACCOUNTABILITY. I learned to walk on the other side of the room sometimes. I just couldn’t think of what I was learning that week. Let’s face it, I was also burying myself into sex and alcohol at the time. Not exactly the spot one has amazing spiritual revelations on a weekly basis. Though I did learn endurance during that time in my life more than in any other.

Anyway, I might be becoming “that” person at my church. Come near me, and I am going to ask you how you have been changing and growing and what you have been learning. I do not know how I feel about it. Now I am going to bed because I do know how I feel about that.

Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load. Nevertheless, the one who receives instruction in the word should share all good things with their instructor.

Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers. – Galatians 6:1-10

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