I had the best counseling session ever this morning. I got to talk for about 50 minutes straight. It was heavenly. I listen, listen, listen. Sometimes I need to talk, talk, talk. By the time I got to my small group tonight, I was actually talked out. Then I jabbered all the way home to someone, but it is nice to feel like I have talked enough.
The best part of the counseling session was not how much I got to talk, but what I said. It felt like for the first time ever I actually told the story of the last eight years of my life. Seven years, whatever it is by now. It felt so good to tell someone the most embarrassing, humbling details. The things that I used to not have told anyone. It was good to be in a space that was safe enough to say all those things. It was good to know at the end of saying all those things my counselor better understood my brokenness and how broken I am. Yes, a woman who makes all those decisions is pretty, pretty broken. Actually the broken part is not pretty. It was a pretty crazy experience to tell it to her. When I left I felt such joy for having told my story. Some part of me is accepting what my story is. Like I can begin to tell it. Not with great pride in who I was, but with the knowledge that sharing who I used to be can help people who are now where I once was to come to where I am.
Orange-flavored candy is the very best. I never used to like the color orange. It was my very least favorite color. Now I like it much, much better. I am eating orange-flavored Halloween candy right now and remembering there is one thing I always liked best when it was orange – candy. That is if it cannot be chocolate, may it be orange.
I felt so connected after telling my counselor my story about all the disconnection in my past. All the times in my life when I never knew what relationship and connection were. All the times when I thought people who valued other people were fools. Something about all that confession really grounded me well for the rest of my day.
Now I am going to bed because it is midnight if it was last week, and that is way past my bedtime.
For what you have done I will always praise you in the presence of your faithful people. And I will hope in your name, for your name is good. – Psalm 52:9