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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Take me deeper than my feet would ever wonder

I am actually starting to enjoy life. It is a bit odd. I know I have said this off and on for ages, but it is a bit odd for me to repress all this emotion. It is so like denial and so different. Different because I am not denying anything and once a week I take out my deep, scary emotions in a safe place with my new counselor (psych doctor). Once a week starting two days ago. But some of these nice emotions are nice.

I feel fresh. I feel young. I am beginning to feel intelligent. I feel like telling the whole wide world they should join me on this awesome journey. It is so good to not think God is holding out on me when He tells me something will hurt me. It is so good to believe Him.

I have been sleeping pretty good these last few nights. I cannot remember my dreams, but I think they have quieted down. Since stepping into this new counseling situation, some of my subconscious anxiety seems to have left me. Even on the deepest level, I must know I am dealing with my pain. There is no reason to fear anymore. He is with me.

The emotions I was terming “fake” are starting feel more real each day. Yes, if I drum up reality, my voice will crack as I speak; but the joy and happiness is starting to feel like it is what I am actually feeling. It is nice. It is nice to have a relief from all the weary journey of these last several years. I am not glad I have sinned. I am not glad I have been sinned against, but I think it is safe to say I am glad I had that panic attack! It made me take action. Action is good.

Also my mind is reacting way differently than it was before. I am struggling much less with negative and critical thinking. Over the last few weeks, I have been able to begin to look outward as my own intense pain has lessened. Pain is so selfish.

My God time has also been much sweeter. I love to be real with God. I do not mind crying with Him, but it is so nice to be filled with not only peace but joy as I read His word. He is, and there is none like Him.

Now may the God of peace make you holy in every way, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless until our Lord Jesus Christ comes again. God will make this happen, for he who calls you is faithful. – I Thessalonians 5:23-24

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