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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae


God didn’t call us to easy, a friend says, God called us to hard.

Today several times it has felt as though I could feel the nails by which I am crucified in my hands. As if I can feel myself being nailed to the proverbial cross. Incredible pain. Incredibly hard for me to focus on God being able to bring me through it.

Yesterday and today I have often wondered how dreadfully sad it would be to live a life which included so little sacrifice for Jesus that no one would pity me if He did not exist because my life was so comfortably lived anyway. How sad it would be if at the end of this life, there was no afterlife and yet no one would say, “The poor bastard! What a wasted life!”

Should not my goal be to live a life in which everyone on earth would be appalled at how I poured out my life for a fantasy, an imaginary Man, an imaginary God. How horrible it would be if their conclusion was, “Well, she believed in an imaginary God; but when it comes down to it, her life wouldn’t have been anymore comfortable or fun had she not believed in Him. She never gave Him much of her attention. She never really sacrificed anything for Him financially. Yeah, she gave her 10%, but she still had more than 97% of the rest of the people in the world. Not really much of a sacrifice. Yeah, she sometimes volunteered, but she did whatever she wanted with most of her time. Not a big deal.”

Was not the real low point of my life when I was “following Christ” with the typical excuses for token giving and serving? Was not the real low point in my faith when had Christ not existed no one, not even Christ, would have pitied me had I died to find He did not exist? Would not the real low point of my life be if no one read my autobiography and said, “The poor bastard! She never found out until after she died that He isn’t real.”

He is real. Today I need Him to show me that. I need to experience the great power of His divine presence. A long time ago, in the darkest night of my life, shortly before a time when a friend tells me I told her that I used to go to sleep comforting myself that the next day I could take my own life, I wrote a poem that I no longer have. It was about how it is always darkest before the dawn. Little did I know that it would take two years for dawn to even begin to break in my life. Almost another two for the sun to come bursting over the horizon in all its glory. The Son of Righteousness arose with healing in His wings.

I wrote that a few hours ago, but didn’t post yet because I had to go somewhere. The interesting thing is that after writing that I had a peace that transcended all understanding come upon me. It is still surrounding me. I wish it would last forever.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7


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