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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Still no bueno

I slept very well last night and woke up this morning very peacefully. I even sang me a little, “This is the day that the Lord has made…” I struggled some with anxiety before I got to my babysitting job, then the day proceeded pretty quietly because children heal my heart. Well, that and I decided to shut God out just a little, so I did not need to have the emotional conversations from yesterday.

I was mad verbally yesterday. Today I gave Him the cold shoulder. Maybe tomorrow I will admit He is sovereign and I am not. I am still upset. I think I am upset over everything. Last night after I signed off I did realize I still believe I have a secure position as His daughter. I also believe it is not in danger just because I rant and rave at Him about all my doubts, fears, insecurities and emotions. But that might be about all I believe.

There was normal (not CR) small group tonight. The last question was about whether we trusted God to have the conversations with Him about our fears and anxieties and if we trusted He would lead us out of them. I did not have to answer the question there and I did not; but if I had, the answer would have been something like this:

No, or maybe yes, with several qualifications. I believe I am going to continue living life on earth with Him as my constant companion. I believe someday I am going to die and go live with Him forever in heaven and we will be eternally happy together. But, I do not believe He is not going to let me get hurt along the way. I do not believe He is going to protect me. I do not believe disaster is not going to come near my tent (like in Psalm 91). I do not believe He cares how I feel. Some days, I think He just cares how I will grow. I used to believe these things, just not yesterday and honestly not today.

I saw a quote by C.S. Lewis today on Facebook. “We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” Maybe that is a bit more what my struggle is. I do believe God will do the best for me. I just do not necessarily believe He will protect me. Please do not ask me to explain the contradiction.

Some days I have a general feeling He is going to ask me to do something that is brutally hard. I will have the decision to step into it and trust Him in it and live a life of radical love and sacrifice. Or I will be able to choose to turn my back, choose apathy and only pretend to live a life of radical love and sacrifice.

I watched a message by Lisa Bevere yesterday (I am not here to defend any of her theology or beliefs one way or the other). In it she references an experiment she conducted on her Facebook and Twitter where she has like 28k followers. She first posted a comment with the most conservative number of missing women in the world she could find. Missing defined as lost to gendercide, abortion, or the sex trade. I believe it was 57 million. She received 40 responses. A few hours later, she posed the question, “Should a female pastor be allowed to preach in a sleeveless shirt?” Her Facebook page blew up with people commenting.

What if I end up on the apathetic, religious side and only pretend to be radical? I have a feeling radical love will require radical sacrifice which will require personal pain. I do not like personal pain.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their lifef will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.” – Matthew 16:24-25

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. – Matthew 11:28

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